First, Thank you Perna, that would be a great solution, were it not for my bad back _I used to lift 20-40 patients a night or on flex and now have Degenerative Joint Disease throughout my Cervical and Thoracic spine+ COPD due to volunteering At Ground Zero on 9/11 for the first three days, and Complex PTSD r/t to those days with major flashbacks of buildings falling on me and body parts etc..-no, regular nursing is out--I'd like to go for an advanced degree as a Nurse Practitioner, yes I am an R.N. in NYS, still, but I am on total disability being monitored by the WTC Program for First Responders.--Thank you, I wish I could work as a Nurse- pay for a Nurse out here is
ridiculously low when compared to what you'd get in NY--even if I tried to get Per Diem off the books...It wouldn't be worth the additional pain-and I deplore pain killers.

Shadow--You hit it almost completely on the head-- Yes, my children do, and always have taken out what they witnessed my ex do to me and to them on me-they still do-at 32 and 33. Even though I stopped it, and went through hell in a ten year long divorce to rid myself of him--he is still present in my life in the form of my children.

They use me as the punching bag--I was able to get my daughter into therapy--but my son went into custody with his father-and never went into therapy-though court mandated in the custody papers. My son still tries to get his father to love him. The man is not capable (because of his own upbringing) of loving anyone but himself--
a brilliant, charming, funny man-cruel, selfish and a true psychopath. He hurt my son the most, and continues to do so to this day. My daughter has nothing to do with her father (he molested her-that's what made me bring it all before the courts -when she told me-I had no job, no money-hadn't worked in 16 years at spouse's behest)
but she saw me being beaten and abused for years...one of her first memories is of this. So she has no respect for me.

I am a doormat to my kids--even though, I got a job, worked nights, got no money from my spouse for the ten year long divorce to keep up the house, went to Nursing school all day, got my daughter through college, mowed the lawn, shoveled the snow, etc., etc. between going to family, criminal, supreme, and civil courts, filed orders of protection had to have him locked up several times, on e time i had to have my son locked up with him for breaking into the house (i didn't press charges- I should have-my Pastor told me I should have-he wouldn't have done what he has done to me now!--he was 17 it would have been on his record for life)------------
Even though I was so strong-and all alone-with only lousey lawyers-and got through school----------my kids see none of this. They see a victim-a doormat.

No, I won't hurt the loves of my life.
I have not ever been violent with either ot them-I am not of that type--I have been unable to hurt those I truly love, no matter how they hurt me.
But I don't have to ever know them again after this is over.