My attendant friend of eight years has given me until tomorrow to "snap out of it" Or until Thursday to start attending programs at this stupid mental health place.What that will do to help the pain I dont know, probably nothing, therefore I want nothing to do with it.

For those who don't know me, I had had severe chronic pain for a year. Morphine doesn't even make a dent in it. I have a pain management doctor, but he prescribed me something that I would have to pay for out of my own pocket. He said my drug card would cover it on the 17th. I went to the drugstore on the 17th to learn that it wasn't covered. He now says it will be covered on the 27th of September. The drug store says we'll run it through and see what happens;" far from a ringing vote of confidence.

In any case, I have to wait at least another week for pain relief, or to be disappointed spectacularly.

A church friend asked me why don't I switch specialists, well it took me a year to find this one and it would take me another year to find a replacement. A year of pain 16 hours a day. The jerk won't replace the drug with something that is covered. Half mg portions of my drug aren't covered, mg capsules are.

Beautiful logic. And my friend Doug expects me to be the same cheery pro-life person I was when I first wrote him five years old, when this pain makes me think of running away and commiting suicide on a regular basis. In fact, I am on the verge of permanently confining myself to bed with the exceptional rare trip out for food.

My weight loss and my sleep deprivation have become noticeable to everyone in church. Everyone wants me to eat 3 meals a day, drink 64 oz of water and sit up for 16 hours a day and I'm saying hold on, I am in severe pain, I can't handle all that. Only a miminum effort to survive can be handled or is deserved, considering the type of life I now have. I only have energy for 1 meal at best and that may include pasta straight from the can. I can't even stand to sit up long enough to nuke something and eat it. It takes everything I have to endure the pain.
One friend is going to "ride my butt" until I snap out of it, so I won't end up in hospital. Two others are sick and tired of bad news. All three I expect want the "old me" back but she is just an idealized fantasy drawn up in Disneyland, who does not exist, never existed. I am just tired of everything, my attendants, my nurses, everything.

What I should have done on that trip to Quebec is to wheel away from the bus and not look back. But I need these stupid people to survive. I don't want any of these people near me. I am just going to send pretty pictures to Doug: no more letters about me or how I feel.

I am going to bed and I am going to stay there. I will get up just long enough to gulp down my pills and gulp down a cold cup of leftover soup. That's it.

I am not giving up, I am just going to live my life from the only place where I feel no pain.I'd be a fool not to. I have $100 coming to me, that may either be the start of a fund for a TV in my bedroom, or a bed out here.

The $100 is a one time gift.

I am not prepared to let things go on like this.So I am going to bed...pretty much for good. I am through with suffering. And anyone who calls me courageous is asking for a bloody nose, as is anyone who tells me I am a coward or feeling sorry for myself. Live in pain for a full year and see how you are mentally when you know you have 30 more of them.
I've had a terrible month, my cat died and they had to haul me down 5 times to the hospital by ambulance, the last time they had to sedate me to replace my belly catheter, it was so painful.

I yelled at God last night and pretty much told him how I felt. Sorry about the religious reference, but he's the only one who is with me constantly who I can yell at.

I will sit up for the nurses and for the attendants and for my parents, because they don't approve of my laying down. Plus any visitors I receive. I will lie down for as long as my body can stand it, then sit up just enough to make the pain go away, then lie down again.

I have spent too much time on this post.