My Support Forums - View Single Post - Trying to reach out...............................

darkpurplesecrets · Apr 18, 2010, 11:51 AM

I have written and re-written this trying to find a way to say what I need to say. Maybe part of it is being able to accept it myself. This past week has been draining and something that is hard to put into words. My heart is trying to understand it all. Going from a plan to check out of life itself to feeling I love myself. Going from one place on the spectrum to the total opposite of the spectrum. How does one explain that?

I knew within myself that in order for me to release that little girl from behind the wall where I went so long ago, that it was going to take my life and myself. What I was not realizing was where that feeling was coming from. It was from something that was to happen when I got to the point of realizing she was not dead. For all my life I thought that that part of myself was dead. That she died so long ago. I never realized when I saw the walls breathing that it was her somewhere within.

So long ago, when things were going on I escaped within the walls where no one could reach me. To become a part of that wall that was silence and the wall held that pain so I did not have to. The silence within that wall was deathlike, and somewhere that those that hurt me was not. To slip away and forget that they were there was the only way that little girl, myself could be. Wanting so much to die as a little girl. So many times I have wondered how can a little girl know that she wanted to die?

A child is supposed to play and to not care what is going on around her. She is suppose to be cared about and loved, to not think about where she can go to find a way to get away from what is taking place. But this little girl did not play, not the kind of things children are supposed to play. She did not think about running and just being for she did not have a chance to just be. Constantly trying to figure out how she could be good and just be wanted and loved.

Fighting hard, pushing against those within that lined that wall and stopped myself from being able to release her was something I cannot explain. Fighting to live and to accept myself. That core part of myself that I thought had died so long ago. Taking back my own self from those that took it and trying to break free from a hold they had. Through it all breaking the very thing programmed within to ultimately take myself. Reaching out and taking that little girl back within myself, I find myself at a loss right now.

I know that she is safe within for the first time in forty some years. Now how do I find that within myself to give her that love she so needs and when she looks at me my heart breaks even farther. I know now everything that she holds. Her little face swollen and bruised looks up at me. The little giggle I heard when she was playing with the others within really tugged at my heart in a way I cannot explain, for she has never experienced that. How do you love when you never had love? For the past three years I have had love or what is suppose to be love, but maybe for the first time I have ever really felt it or maybe that is what it is we are feeling.

To mother myself is something that I know not how to do. For I never was mothered the way a mother was suppose to love her child. Even having my own children I stepped away for it scared me to think that in changing them or bathing them I may be hurting them. My own mothering to my children did not make sense to me for all I knew is I never wanted them to be hurt not in any way. To protect them at all cost even at the possible cost of myself. So to reach out to myself now is something I am having a difficult time doing or even understanding.

Feeling lost yet as if some part of myself has now come back. Feeling as though a piece of the puzzle has been found and possibly it is the one piece that had to be found in order for anything else to fit where it needs to go. For how do you build without the piece that started it all? Maybe realizing that is part of the fear in and of itself. For in finding her I now have found the emotions that were blocked for so long. When I would accept the others as they have shown themselves, I was happy but it seemed to be something I could not hold onto. Maybe for the basic fact, I had nothing to hold onto. The emotions could not really be felt for I somehow could not connect to something I could not have.

I have been crying for what feel like days now. Something I cannot explain but all I know is it hurts. The reality of what happened has hit me right between the eyes, and I cannot look away. It feels heavy and it hurts more than I can convey in words. I cannot seem to turn away from it for it is something that now I really feel and something that has become real for me. It feels as though I am raw and opened and though someone is pouring salt into the open wounds that are burning. Trying to stay connected but at times somehow wishing I could turn away from what I am seeing.

Today feels so cold as within things are stirring deep. My eyes burn from tears and I am unsure how to comfort myself. Feeling anything but okay right now. Turning away from others so they do not have to see what it is that is coming. Painting on a face for the world when the fact that I have a face is something I do not want to know. My heart aches with a pain I have no words for. All I know is it feels as though I am alone within all this pain. And though the world around me goes on I have fallen silent somewhere inside me trying now to comfort and find a way to keep from falling apart.

Never having emotions this feels almost unreal and I question myself. How could this have happened? How could someone be brought into the world but feel and be nothing but an object, a thing for those around her? How do you put feeling back into something that is empty and knows no feelings? And how do you mother when you had no mother? All I know is right now it hurts maybe for the first time feelings of what it really felt like have emerged and I feel so lost yet at the same time like I know. Somewhere all I want is to be held and to know things are going to be okay because right now, they feel anything but okay.

dps