Hi Belle.... hope you are feeling better soon. Heartache is like no other pain. It is like an unwanted friend who just keeps coming back. Have you considered how this may be a natural progression of your grieving process. Something you need to go through to get to the other side of your heartache. You have gone from missing Mark the man to missing the life and moments you lived with him. The memories of what you shared. You are missing a way of life that your remember. It may be less about the man at this stage.

I remember some of the phases I went through. I remember so well missing the day to day of being with my ex. So much so that I would romanticize him and think that if only he would come back I would be okay. If life could just get back to 'normal' I would be okay. It took a long time for me to create my own life without him. To feel comfortable in my own shoes again. To not see everything and think of him. I would be in the garden and I would think how nice it was when he was there too. Working side by side and at the end of the day sitting back with a glass of wine and admiring the results of our efforts. Entertaining friends with a back yard barbeque and a walk through the garden. The memories could bring me to tears. Still can on occassion but less and less.

Now that time has passed and I have made the adjustment to him not being there; now I have memories of gardening without him; entertaining friends without him; going camping and playing on the seadoo without him.... because of time he is less and less attached to the activities in my life.

It takes time Belle. I expect you are tired of hearing that or using that explaination with yourself to try to settle your heartache. You can fast forward some of that by acknowledging how you feel without getting lost in the sadness. Giving yourself a time limit for dwelling on the losses when the overwhelming feelings hit you.

To break the spell of the memory blues, no matter the lose I have started saying to myself 'It is what it is'. I can't change this. I can't bring him back. The reason he is gone is real. It is what it is. I will adjust. I will take a deep breath and with the exhale ask myself 'now what'. What can I do instead of courting the sadness of my loss. What can I do to say thanks for the memory and embrace my new life. My life without him in it. At the end of the day it isn't so much about the loss as it is about being afraid to make the leap forward on my own. The habit of life a certain way was comfortable. Especially in my memory. As it happened for me I was helped out of my sadness by leaping back to life before him. I loved my life before him as much as I loved aspects of my life with him. I reminded myself of that and in time it helped me to reinvent myself again. To enjoy my independance again. To enjoy being able to make decisions on my own again. It is liberating. I am my own person again. I wasn't very good at being a couple so for me once I got through the hurt I was celebrating my independence.

I wish you only wellness Belle. I so hope your mood lifts soon and you are celebrating everything about you and your life today and the mystery of the life that awaits you. Love yourself through this Belle and buy yourself a siamese fighting dragon fish... just don't put it in a tank with another fish or she will EAT IT!!