I know how you feel, Melba. Realising T is just T has caused me the same kinds of feelings. I SO identify with your calling it being "drunk with fantasy." That is a little of what I feel when I email my new T, but I am conflicted because I know how painful it will be if I let those fantasies happen.

I don't have answers, but I know that we shouldn't feel shame about it. It's because of what we need so badly, and not a cause for shame. Also, realising T is just T can be good enough. I had to tell myself that about Bt, and there were so many good things about her just being her. I keep thinking about her asking me if I felt "flat" when I accepted that my fantasies about her wouldn't come true. She mentioned the book/movie "I Never Promised you a Rose Garden" and said that when the girl became healthier her brightly colored fantasy world appeared flat at first. It's just the contrast. T as T can be colorful and comforting too, but in a different way. I hope this makes sense and is relevant.