Quote:
I shamefully have to face the truth that I still harbour fantasys of T being something more than she is..
She allows email contact, she sends postcards when away. I gain the courage to email I miss her not once but twice because in the moments of thinking and writing and pressing send I feel almOst drunk with fantasy.
T replys, one liners and then I feel shame, wgat was I thinking? I am so stupid, I am just as perfected as the day I begun therapy.
Now As I face my first session back tomorrow I feel like I want to quit and go back to denial and alcoholism and just forget T.
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I can empathize totally and completely with this, Melbadaze. In fact, I probably could have written it word for word. I've struggled for more than a year now with the idea that it's really important for me to let go of the fantasy of who I'd like my therapist to be. But I just can't. The alternative (which I can't quite put my finger on) is just too terrifying and or unimaginable. I've told her so many times that I've missed her (in email and in person) and the response I get usually makes me feel deflated (though not always). Wish I could offer more, but all I've got right now is lots and lots of empathy.