I want it so badly. I need it. I want to cut until I bleed out completely. I feel like I need the pain. I want to do something really bad. Not something that will kill me but leave me close to being dead. I actually want to be in a hospital, I want bandages and stitches, I need them. I want the pain, the pure agony, the marks, the bittersweet triumph. I can't fight urges anymore. Nothing is working and I need it more and more. I'm so confused, tired, and just want to get it over with and be done. I want doctors making sure I'm okay, no one has ever cared if I was okay before. I want to be fussed over and babied. I'm not doing this out of a need for attention, but because I feel the need to do something drastic, something to make myself feel differently than I already do. I feel pain, and need more.