((((((((Byz)))))))) ((((((((Fooze)))))))) ((((((((Possum)))))) (((((((((SophiaG))))))))

I think finding a good pdoc is something I really need to bare down and do over the summer, the mental health providers available around here are few and far between, and the insurance I"m on doesn't list providers, I have to call any provider I find and see if they take my insurance, to protect my "privacy" WTF??!!! It doesn't protect my privacy, it just makes finding mental health care harder than it already is, instead of just having to jump through hoops, I now have to jump through hoops when they are on fire... T is good for now, granted she isn't the world's greatest T and she is overbooked and swamped, but she really cares and I feel safe with her, The next few years is going to be a lot of moving and I'm not sure where my continuation in therapy is going to be in that, I would like to keep going, but I may be moving out of the area, and in a few years I'm probably moving out of state,

I think I have an issue with invalidating myself because A) I"ve been invalidated a large portion of my life by my family, B) A part of me is still in denial and C) I fear facing the demons head on, fear seems to control every aspect of my life,

I find I start really invalidating myself when I"m on the cusp of making a reliazation or accepting a truth I"ve denied my whole life, such as when I first started accepting the fact I was sexually abused, I had a complete breakdown, when I started facing the loss and grief of loosing my grandmother and greatgrandmother six months apart I fell apart and isolated, and when I faced the trauma from the car accident, I wouldn't drive unless I had to. It's like I"m working against myself sometiems, I have these lifetime worth of defense mechanisms and when I work against them they freak out, sort of like metaphorically speaking if you had a guard dog and broke into your own house the dog is still going to bite you because it's what it's trained to do.

I have T today, not sure what I want to say or do, feeling small and scared, and unimportant in the world, I really want to skip, but I know it will do nothing but hurt me if I do

Oh my messed up brain......