But, Pachy, what difference does that make? You just asked a question. There's an answer; do I feel I'm ornery or not? My answer shouldn't be predicated on how you ask your question. If you had made the statement, "Perna, you're ornery!" I would have replied much the same.

Now that I've had so much therapy, you could even say, "Perna, I hate ornery people" or, "I don't take to ornery people or people who think they're ornery" and that would not have bothered me much (I would be a little sad you wouldn't talk to me anymore :-)

I'm sure I've told the story of when I said something, I forget what, and my therapist announced, "Ah, you're stubborn!" (and my knee-jerk reaction was, "She can't say that!") but then I looked at what I'd said and guess what? I was being stubborn. That's why it bothered me (and probably why she said it?). Is being stubborn okay with me? Was I aware I was being stubborn? How about her calling me stubborn? That was hard for me but since I felt she was right, I have to look at it and work with what's there, not what I'd like to be there. If I didn't think/feel I was stubborn, why would her calling me stubborn bother me?

My T made me work on my own between sessions with the word/feeling "humiliation" one week and at work a vice president started making fun of me/my speech (my not making sense) in public, very humiliating. I left the arena almost in tears but then I thought it through. I was working on my speech in therapy, I was doing the best I could and focused on it and doing well/getting better thanks mostly to my T and my husband. This vp was making fun of me and, it so happened, I had been trying to help him! I realized I was angry at that! So, what am I going to do; what's my plan to solve MY problem? I decided I was not going to volunteer to help him (I'm helpful so love to jump in and help!) and I was going to "avoid" him unless he specifically asked me to do something. If he ever spoke to me again the way he had spoken to me moments before, I would calmly explain to him that I knew I had a speech problem and I was working on it the best I could but his humiliating me in public did not seem to be very helpful in that regard and I would appreciate it if he did not speak to me in that manner ever again or I would quit on the spot. I would not tolerate being treated in that fashion by him or anyone else.

Having come up with a plan, I felt entirely better and was thrilled about what I'd learned about humiation and anger and how to care for myself. Fortunately I got another job before I had another run-in with him (the avoiding him worked fine; he wasn't in my normal chain of command and I had no trouble not wanting to help a thoughtless cretin :-)

It's all about us and what we think and feel, not the other person. What happens in us is 100% ours. If we feel unhappy about what someone else says, that's not the other person making us feel unhappy, that's our own life experience and thoughts and way of looking at things. I'm responsible for me. I enjoy being around other people who enjoy being around me :-) Those people tend to "get" me the most and/or I feel best from what they say/do. But, back 30-40 years ago, there weren't many of those people because I wasn't responsible for my own feelings and couldn't deal with/didn't like myself much.