Was not sure what to title this but I know I need to reach out to you guys here for a bit of help or advice. So thank you in advance.

Today I saw T. I have to see him again Wed to get my work clearance. I WANT to go back to work very much. I am so exhausted from therapy and working on me. I want to go to work and get lost in that world again. I had a total burnout and such and have been off work for mental healing for 2 1/2 months now.

A whole lot of great healing has happened. And I have processed the trauma for almost everything I think. It has been a crazy ride. And I am so anxious to get out of this emotional bumper car. I compare it to a bumper car ride because I think I am in control and have mastered all the stuff I need to master - I will be buzzing right along getting all my ducks in a row - and then WHAM! I run into another car or the wall or something and it jerks me around.

I have blended most of the memories and my alters are almost all silent and they have been heard and told their stories. My dissociation is not running my life now. I think I can go to work and not totally loose my mind. And I am working on anger management issues so I will be able to handle that. I want more than anything to be well NOW. I want MY life back.

But today, the alter Andy who had the heart of Mick - she had a lot of alters inside her that she was protecting me from - but Andy came forward when I was running an errand by myself for the first time since my nuclear meltdown. He wanted to go jump on a plane and just leave. I ended up talking with him and saying "Sure" - that we could leave anytime we want to leave. But that there was a price to pay in friendships and an even harder time because we would need to find a new job (not easy in the economy we are in) and we would hurt people we love and care about.
That Andy part of me got very quiet after all that but felt defeated. I wrote T and was excited because I think it was a major breakthrough in my thinking and catching my mind on things like this. I was so happy because of that!

Now I am lower than I have been in a very very long time. It is a deep sorrow. I was trying to talk with my Andy part but there is no answer. Probably because I have blended so much and told myself it is just me talking to myself that I am either blocking him out if he is still there - or something else is going on. For some reason he hates T more than Mick disliked T when we started therapy. I think it is because Andy part of me wants to be dissociative? He told me T said that I wanted to be this way. But I don't remember T saying that at all and it does not sound like T. Andy is also a part of me that had to lie and steal. So I think that is a lie. Do you guys have an alter who does that? Also, when I did talk with the Little One part of me the last time (been a little while now) - but she said Andy told them to hide from T because T was mad at me for having alters. I just think I am blended though and my mind is doing something odd to try to hold onto the old pattern? IDK!

I'm not sure what this low stuff is about. It is mixed with anxiety. It feels like an anxiety attack that has lasted now for over an hour. Mine usually only last about 5 min when they happen. It should pass.

Just needed to write I think.