WePow,

Usually Faith writes the responses for many of us but I feel like I need to write back to you instead of her. I too have been having lots of odd emotions and feeling lost and confused. I also went to see T (actually he's a counselor so I guess I should say C) today. He mentioned to me that he has never seen me so distant and so disconnected and so confused. Things have been very weird at the hotel lately. There is an alter, maybe an introject of evil abusers, that lies to me constantly. She tries to tell me lies about my C and about everyone else in my life outside of the hotel (we all live in a hotel inside). She tries to brainwash me into thinking odd things and believing that I am bad etc. Just everything that is completely opposite of what is really the truth. I had a hard time distinguishing between the two. I just felt so lost and confused and have been having a really tough past two weeks.

I have felt great sorrow because my protector CE has been quiet and not talking to me. She says it is because I need to learn to handle things on my own, but when she, who has been with me for so long, suddenly went silent and was not around, I felt a great loss. One that hit me like a ton of bricks. When I first learned about her and all the others living in the hotel, I tried to deny it. I tried so hard to make it not be true. I did not want that to be my reality. But now that I have accepted that truth and been working through all the pain, now as she is backing off and soon going to reintegrate, I feel the loss. I don't want her to leave me. I don't want her to be gone. I didn't want her in the first place and now I don't want her to leave. My C is trying to convince me that once she reintegrates she will become a part of me and not be lost or gone at all, but I am still having a hard time with that. It has brought me to a very low point.

There are other things that are contributing to my sadness, but these have been some of the biggest ones. I just wanted to tell you that I am having a similar (at least it seems similar to me) experience and I want you to know that you are not alone (it was so good to see your post and see that I am not alone as well). There is NOTHING wrong with wanting to take your life back, to take your power back, to want to move in that healthy direction. That is very positive and empowering. But as my C keeps reminding me, it is not without its challenges. He told me that it sometimes feels like it gets worse before it gets better and I need to be patient.

There might be some inside that are very resistant to change. I have a 17 year old part that has known nothing but abuse as her reality and now that it is gone (there were evil introjects that had continued the abuse for a very long time), she is looking for something to make it come back because that is her "normal". To her the change hurts and she doesn't want the hurt even though it is healthier than her past. She has been doing everything in her power to resist me/us getting better and slowly we are still moving in that direction even though she would rather not. I know that right now she hates me and especially hates C. She is one that I constantly struggle with, but also one that needs the most healing. I try to do my best but sometimes it just feels like it is not enough.

As far as your mind doing odd things to try and hold onto that old pattern, it is something that C calls repetition compulsion. He says that it is something our minds/bodies do because it is our "normal". It maybe very unhealthy or maybe viewed as sick or whatever, but it is what we are used to, what we are familiar with and most all human beings stick with what is comfortable even if it is very destructive or unhealthy. He says that when our bodies and minds try to recreate that we are just trying to feel comfortable. Change is very difficult and my body and mind are resistant to it, but it has to happen if I am to be healthy. I am not sure that I have ever been healthy in my entire life, but that is what I am striving for and some of me does NOT want that (especially the evil introjects).

I do not know if I answered any of your questions, but I hope that you can draw some comfort from this response. I know it has been very healing for me to read your post and then respond so I thank you for feeling safe enough to post this here. I draw strength from you WePow and I hope you do the same if it is safe to do so. Everyone at the hotel is with you. We hear you and we are within hugging distance when it feels safe. Take as many hugs and warm fuzzies as you need or want from the hotel. We find that for every hug or warm fuzzy that is taken, two more replace it. So when we help others by offering them, we help ourselves as well. Thank you for this WePow. It has touched me deeply and helped me in such a way that I cannot find the words to express it. Know that you are loved and needed.

With gentle hugs,

Cris