I'm sorry you miss your Mom so much, Lex. I'm sorry she was taken away from you and you're feeling so bad.
In a way, reading your post, helps me not to take my Mom for granted.
Your Mom IS with you though. Everyday she's watching over you and keeping you safe. She's still there on the couch smoking and drinking coffee. You know what she'd say to you and you know how much she loves you and she knows how much you love her.
It's going to be okay,Lex.