When I 8, my brother (2 years older) started to make sexual advances towards me. He would ask to play games that involved dressing up as characters - only my character would always have to dress down to reveal more of my body. He kept playing these games throughout the years, gradually requesting that I wear less and less, and eventually, that he touch me. Of course I caught on and didn't want to play the game anymore. But if I didn't play his games, he would withdraw his friendship from me... and since we moved around a lot as children, were homeschooled, and he was my only sibling (not to mention my parents were very wary of strangers and I was very shy), he was my only friend and I couldn't imagine living without him.

Even worse, when I refused to play his games, he would still find ways to touch me or sexualize me. When we went swimming he'd grab my body under the water so no one could see. When we sat next to each other he'd stare at my chest, reach into his pants and masturbate himself. He'd grab at my body any chance he got.

I hated his obsession with my body, but it was unavoidable and I couldn't bear to lose my only friend, so I gave in to his games. He would have us both nude and touch me and have me touch him, but he never tried to have intercourse.

Finally, when I started going to high school, I was able to make new friends and so I decided to stop playing my brother's sexual games. Of course, he immediately withdrew our friendship, but at this point I didn't care and was mostly able to avoid his sexual advances from then on (though he still would grab at me and masturbate beside me). Since then (about 9 years ago), our friendship has been non-existent.

The last time this type of thing happened was when I was 19. I eventually just started ignoring him when he'd masturbate because I knew I couldn't stop him.

Now, at 22, I finally brought up how I was effected by what he did. He said he hardly remembered it.

Thank god, he hasn't approached me sexually since 4 years ago... but it still has contaminated my entire view of sex. I struggle with flashbacks and have an extraordinarily hard time being intimate with boyfriends, alternating between avoiding sex at all costs and being almost over-sexual because I feel like it is the only way I will be loved and people will stick around.

But was this even sexual abuse? Or am I just over-reacting? Some people seem to think I shouldn't have any issues at all because it wasn't violent and I wasn't raped. But for me, all the manipulation and sick games and destroyed my trust and has caused me to view sex in a horrible light - something that is just used selfishly, regardless of the misery it causes. Something that is more powerful than the deepest love and friendship. Sex equals abuse for me. And I don't know how to move past it.