((((((((((((solar))))))))))))

I remember when I first had that feeling of wanting T to be my parent. It was SO painful, because it really made me feel what I didn't have. Up until then, I could just kind of pretend that I was okay with how things were growing up...once I let myself feel that longing to have T as a Mom (even though he's male, it's more of a mom feeling for me), all of the emptiness and pain I had managed to push away came rushing in.

But then, it turned out to be one of the most healing things about my therapy. T gives me the things that a good mom would give her child - unconditional love, acceptance, attention, a safe place, healthy boundaries, nurturing, encouragement, a safe base to return to. All of those things and more.

I never really believed that T giving me those things could ever fill that hole inside, but in a lot of ways it has. I had to grieve not being able to go back and have that stuff as a child, and it will never really be exactly the same. But I finally, FINALLY feel like some of those big needs have been/are being met, and that is so huge and so healing.

I know it feels scary and maybe embarrassing to have those feelings about T. But there is nothing wrong with them. Nothing at all. I think the fact that T is bringing up those feelings for you is a really good sign that your therapy could be very healing.

Lots and lots of to you, ((((((solar)))))))