Ok, so I have been honest with T the whole time. And I advocate it - I know. It does have its rewards for therapy. But yesterday - something - happened. Today things look different though (a little anyway). And I realize how serious that something was. I go to session today in a while and T is supposed to re-evaluate me for work. I need to get back to work because another guy left. The place is crazy at times. Anyway, I am not ready but I need to be ready and I think T is going to push me to get back into the saddle anyway. So I am trying to force it before he can so I don't feel forced.

Long story short, yesterday was a very bad day for me. Went emotionally blank and watched myself and I can't say any more here - but things obviously did not go as I tried to make them go. Something went wrong (right?) and so now I am faced with telling T the truth or not. I do not want to say anything to him about it because I do not want to go to a hospital - they don't know me and they don't get it. I am feeling better today and don't think I will be like I was yesterday for a while. Of course when I start work back I may be. I still am broken with some stuff.

UGGGG - I am not making any sense here but it is the only place I have to ask for opinions and stuff. I keep wanting to erase this because I still am sorta in the frame of mind as yesterday thinking there is no point of even reaching out. Anyone else ever been in this state? What did you do? Did you tell T?