It has now been three years since my parents have spoken to me. (well, the anniversary is sometime in the first week of May) I inadvertently created this situation by sending them a letter asking for more honesty in our relationships. My mother's initial response, as relayed to me by my siblings, was rage, and then there has just been silence. Apparently my mother is no longer angry since she drops my name in conversation and doesn't freeze up when someone else mentions me.
But I think she would rather go to her grave without ever speaking to me than to say, "hey, it's time to stop this."

Lately a few things have happened that have made me more aware of how painful it is to be the outcast in the family. It feels like a continuation of my former role as scapegoat/black sheep. I don't want to feel like this any more.

But, I am nowhere near done working through the terror I am left with as a result of what I survived as a child at home. That is one reason my therapist does not favour me reconnecting. It would be so easy though, for me to just send a mother's day card in a couple of weeks. My mother would take that as an apology (even though I have been reassured many times that I did nothing wrong, it seems that is still the only way out, an apology from me)

And then, even though I don't want anything from her/them, indeed know better than to expect anything, at least I would not be the outcast any more.

But maybe I need to sit with this feeling, now that I am finally able to feel it, in order to do the work around it. I don't know. For now I will put this out there and hope I feel a little less alone with it all.