My stepmother's sudden anger/rage was very frightening to me as a child; I had to watch her face for clues and not move a muscle for fear of being hit, etc. Other people's anger was a huge problem for me in my 20's. I once flinched when a T raised her hand (to her own head) too "fast" while she was talking; I was sitting next to her in group therapy (about 8 people) and I thought she was going to strike me!

What helped me was when a boss got really really angry but I knew I was "right" and was just stubborn enough to "stay" and keep talking and explaining my truth. I was scheduled to a particular extra job task but I'd just done my rotation of that task and it was someone else's turn (he was misreading his calendar) and, at first, he wasn't able to listen to what I was saying, just thought I was trying to get out of the job. But I hate unfairness and so I got persistent and eventually he "heard" me and rechecked/quit being angry enough to work on finding a "solution"/seeing what happened/realized I wouldn't be "lying" about what I was saying, etc. and he figured it all out "correctly" and then apologized to me profusely.

What I learned was I didn't die :-) I could live through it even though it was very frightening but, since I knew myself/what I was saying was "right" and stood up for myself, the Right prevailed and I was a heroine, LOL.

Now, I'm able to listen to what the other person is angry about better, look for solutions to the problem rather than concentrate on how scared I feel. So, when my husband gets angry (rare) I can acknowledge there is a problem and that he's unhappy, etc. and, since I love him, I don't want him to be unhappy (but I don't want to be "wrong" either) so I look for how we can solve the problem/change our ways of looking at it. Sometimes he's "right" and I am doing something annoying (spending more money than I should be) and I have to decide to change my behavior or at least acknowledge that yes, I am being annoying (and, since I know he loves me, sometimes I have to decide whether I can take making him unhappy, accept that pain for myself and keep spending the money if I still thing spending the money is the right answer).

But maybe start with, when he gets angry and you get frightened/unhappy, just telling him you are anxious and frightened and would he please use a normal tone of voice to discuss what is bothering him so you can hear and help him better. At least do that much for yourself; insist he use a normal tone so you can have a rational conversation. If he is unwilling or unable to do that, tell him you cannot think clearly and be in the same room with him when he is so angry and you've very sorry but you have to leave (and then do so). Anger is not abuse, it's someone else expressing their feelings of hurt and frustration. As long as they use words, that's great. But sometimes our own issues with anger and its expression get in the way of hearing/helping a loved one who is angry with us/a situation involving us and that's okay too; but we have to learn to be honest AND care for ourselves and tell the person (in return; they share their anger and we share our anxiety at the expression of their anger) where we are at and apologize for not being able to help at the moment and what we are going to do for ourselves (leave).

Once you take care of yourself a few times, things don't feel so scary/out of one's control and you feel stronger and it becomes possible to focus on what an angry loved one is saying rather than the expression of the emotion. Receiving and "hearing" what another is saying helps them realize they don't have to "shout to be heard" because they have an ally who will listen and help brainstorm a solution to their frustration.