kai .... i am so sorry that you are in this place .... all I can say is that i understand too well exactly what you are saying.... too many years of too much pain .... and all that you said...

something has to be out there though? maybe? i was thinking yesterday it may be time to get selfish and try to find something that makes me happy that is just for me... is there anything like that for you yet?

Wish I could help more... but same boat right now... something has to be there for us though... somehow... somewhere?