That to me is the most frightening thing to face, I"ve said it once before to T, I curled up in a ball in my chair, hid behind my jacket, put my little stuffed ox in front of my face and whispered "I was sexually abused" then about threw up, got dizzy, and dissocated and T had to calm me down so I could drive home, We discuss the damage it has had to me in my trust issues, the toll it has taken on me in my life, I've discussed some of the emotional abuse that went with it, the name calling and blaming abuser did to me. I can't find the strength to discuss the acts, or the specifics, paritally because my memory is foggy although a few things pop out in clear view, and partially because I'm to scared to, even typing this makes me fuzzy and my eyesight becomes unfocused.... I've done a lot of discusson over the dysfunctional home I grew up in and continue to live in, and the emotional abuse I recieveced from my mother, who while much better than she was, is still abusive to me at times, I need out, and I'm trying so hard to find the exit...

I need to find my voice, and I"ve learned after years and years of being mute to speak, but my voice is stuck at hoarse whisper, I am feeling less and less like a scared little girl, and more like an adult a grown woman in charge of my life and how I want my life to go but from time to time I still feel like that scared little girl hiding in the corner, I'm making progress, slowly surely, I'm better than I was two years ago, hell even a year ago, but I'm not were I need to be, and sometimes I get frustrated because I want to be better NOW, instead of say 3 years or whenever down the road, I know it's a lifelong process, and the learning, the healing, the growing never stops, it just gets exhuasting at times , like I'm walking around in the same spot over and over, and ever once and awhile I find the path out and I start to take it, but then I get scared, and I run back to that familar circle....

Fear is my biggest enemy in this process and in every piece of my life, I was grown up to fear everything, question everything, to always be looking over my shoulder, now I"m having to break that, I don't have to be afraid, there are so many wonderful things in life, and not every piece of life is terror filled and horrible and a war zone. It's just breaking the habits, breaking the old tapes that play in my mind, re-learning things, I've had to re-learn, or learn so much for the first time in the past two years, it's overwheleming at times, but it feels good to know I'm doing something, anything to make my life better and break the cycle...

just got to keep remebering to put one foot in front of the otehr, and not give into the fear..........