Thanks sabby. Those are some good ideas, but it is not so much about mother's day as about this feeling of separateness. Mother's day would just be a convenient moment to make a gesture without having to explain anything. If I have to concede defeat, I would rather say 'happy mother's day' than 'ok you win, I was wrong, sorry for being a f***-up'
Since there will never be any discussion of these three years (that is just how my family is) I might as well be the one to start the pretence that nothing happened.
I feel as I write this that I am digging the hole of my feelings deeper and deeper. Probably I need to do nothing except grieve