I have been recently drinking more than I'd like to admit. I smoke already, and feel badly about it, but don't want to quit as I fear life without them as I get really anxious and I find they calm me down.

Lately though, life has become unmanageable and I am slowly imploding as I watch myself without feeling much inner strength or hope. I am really hurting, yet can't cry, or even seem to be in touch with my feelings. I am like a catatonic robot these days, and the thing that hurts the most, is that I know I am hurting my loved ones. I care more about them, than I do about myself.

The only thing I feel on a regular basis is guilt, and when I am triggered, then I feel the pain of my self loathing. When triggered, I need to sleep as it's the only thing that can calm me down. I am losing my motivation and drive to succeed, as I am simply avoiding life, living and going out anywhere unless I absolutely have to. This is no way to live, as I want very much to be happy.