Thanks Tatyaya.
The most painful thing is that I still love him. It just won't go away. If he does come chasing me and make the right positive steps then I would take him back in a flash... I didn't intend to ever.. I just wanted him to feel the pain that I have but now he's changed the dynamic in my head again.
I asked him if I was chasing an impossible dream (wanted a flat out I never want to get back with you or no I do want you back).. I got a 'non-answer' "I always wanted to be friends, I don't know about anything further. I need to sort my self out first".

I have to get back to the mind set that there is no future - that's how I was, I had gotten over the thought of ever getting back with him.
Saying "I miss you, I miss us" sucked... it gave me false hope what I was sure was gone from my head... he could have just said "I miss you".. that wouldn't haven't made me grab the wrong end of the stick and run wild with it