Thanks Tatyana. I know this is great advice and I need to take it but it's so darn hard!
I guess if I look at it rationally (not the most easy way to look at it) now he knows that I still have feelings for him. I have kept things on a strickly 'friend' level for the past 3 months. I didn't have these feelings (well not that I was aware anymore) until his message. I can't be his support. I will leave it up to him to contact/makes amends with me. I am not chasing a dream.. he can do that.
I thought I would be gald when he started doubting the feelings for Lisa but it has just screwed up my progress into a happy life. i was so depressed a week ago... and now that's stuck with me. My T asked if i was just dumped by a wave or if I was washed out to sea and land wasn't in sight anymore... well I can only just see a distant land and it's getting further away.

This wasn't meant to happen!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why would he write in is messages when I asked him (earlier on in this nightmare) "what did you hope to get from telling me you missed me, mnissed us".. He replied with "I know you would never take me back so that wasn't it.. I miss you and do miss us and I wanted to tell you that. You are the only one I can tell my feelings too"

ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I want him back in my life

Bloom thank you... hugs to both of you from me xx