'There is a difference from being alone and lonely. I am about as alone as one can be, even with friends. In my case, my life was settled, but due to my medical condition, intersex parts of both genders, I was always afraid to get too close to people, because I felt like a freak. I always had friends and was active in things, but often unhappy and frightened I wouldn't measure up. I took male hormones which created problems.
After a chromosome test showed I have xx female chromosomes, I quit taking the hormones and developed as a woman. I moved from my home and live that way. Everything I assumed about myself and my life fell appart. I felt like killing myself, or curling up into a little ball and never facing the world again. But I forced myself to meet new people in new surroundings. I became active in a church, and I did vollunteer work. I like gardening and found a gardening club. I am still alone inside, because I don't share my past. I feel like a spy inside, and sometimes it feels that I can't go on. I measure progress hour by hour at those times. If I can just make it to the next hour, maybe I can get through the next. I share this not to reveal my odd condition, but to let you know how I cope.
I don't know why we are here either. It is a philosophical question people have been asking for thousands of years, probably longer. I do know the odds against any of us being born are astraunomical. Think about it. You are here because some people died at the right time or didn't, or families moved, men and women met fortuitously. Everything had to work perfectly for us to exist. Just one thing out of kilter ten thousand years ago would have changed history so someone else would or wouldn't have been born but none of us would have been here. We have won a fantastic lottery. So far as we know, we have one chance at life in on this earth. Maybe there is reincarnation, but even so, we don't come back as the same people.
I don't know if any of us has a purpose. Maybe we have to create our own reasons for being. All I know is we have been given a fabulous gift denied to more potential lives, and we needn't waste it.
Friends who steal from you don't seem like very good friends. I understand why you would not want to alienate them for fear of being alone. At least keep your money hidden.
I can't tell you what to do, but here are suggestions. You are 21 which is young enough to do almost anything you want. You have a lot of time. What are you interested in? Have you considered taking college courses to learn your capabilities and meet people. Community college is cheaper. Make lists of your strengths and interests. If you decided to take courses, you can apply for schollarships or borrow money at low rates from the government, not payable until after you get a degree.
As for not being able to sleep, excercise. Walk or jog, or do pushups, something to get the blood flowing. It should also help you sleep, if you think of calming things.
All you need to do is one or two positive things each day. The knowledge that you did those little things like going to a church womens' group will build you like blocks, one block at a time. If you can help someone feel better, maybe just by saying hi on the street, it will make you feel better too.
You didn't offend me" I don't undestand who I am. I feel as though I am lost in darkness all alone with no one around," just as you do. I feel like an alien, sometimes screaming to get out, while I smile placidly. "Being alone, is greater than any other fear I have." Me too, and even with people, I am always alone. But I am learning to accept that being lonely is not the same as being alone.
If you take little steps, some will be miserable failures, but pick yourself off and decide why they failed and try again. Most will be successes building onto newer ones.
You can do it if I can. Picture me wearing a dress to church for the first time. I had such a panic attack, I thought I would die or throw up, but I beat it, and things got better.
I even remembered to cross my legs. Ha!
You didn't offend me, and I am sure you didn't offend anyone else. I hope I didn't offend you. I am just trying to help. Please keep in contact with the forum and let us know how you are.
I wish you well.