I read it as that it is torture for you to go out, do more, reveal more of yourself, etc. and that hits a nerve (and, unfortunately, gets you doubting if you've made progress, outworn your welcome, etc.).

What is unfortunate about T's using such strong words that reverberate forever is that they reverberate forever. My T once gave me the gift of what she thought of me and said I was "kind but critical". I've now been spending about 10 years trying to free myself of either "critical" (have softened that a little with the fact that I do have good judgment; in critical situations, I can made a "good" choice :-) however, there's still that word "but". LOL. I was not "kind and critical," I was "kind but critical."

Remember that our relationships with our T's are ongoing and no one session is the whole relationship. Likewise, no one word sums us up, especially for all time; we're changing (whether we like it or not) and each session is only a snapshot in time.

I think, Echoes, you and your T have/are talking about the use of the word "torture" enough that it would appear that both of you are engaged? So, it's not likely that the opposite is true; it's not likely that either of you is trying to get rid of the other or there wouldn't be the anger and discussion. Both of you are still holding to one another, still trying to "solve" this dilemma.

No one would want to be tortured, but, as I think we've all said, "torture" is what we do to ourselves (even, sometimes, in just going back to therapy the next week? :-) Sometimes we feel tortured by various things we say and do to ourselves or, by the way others relate to us, our T's included.

I would look at what being able to hear better would mean for you. If you identify a whole lot with your hearing/not hearing, how does that help you or impede you or get in your way? Now how does not hearing well get in your way, but how does identifying with not hearing well get in your way?

I'm deaf in one ear and my husband often gets annoyed, angry, hurt, because often I'm too loud for him. I'm more excitable than he is too and the combination is not something he enjoys, especially close to his ears :-) I feel two ways about that; I sometimes get defensive and remind him (and others who find me too loud) that I'm deaf in one ear. At the same time, I sometimes feel guilty that I don't try harder to remember that and speak softer. My husband worries that my hearing loss will/is getting worse. I sometimes worry about that too. But what that would mean to each of us is obviously very different.

I think the torture word use is kind of similar with you and your T. It's not your "fault" that she used the word. The word is out there, can't get put back in Pandora's box. It can be an ugly word but it also could be a catalyst and reverse euphemism for what change can sometimes feels like. In addition to paying attention to myself when I'm speaking, so I don't overwhelm those around me; I'm still trying to work on shades of difference with "critical" and keeping it more towards critical's positive side of good judgment and seeing what's what rather than finding fault with a person.

I think differentiating between when a word is about a situation, and when it is about a person is very very important and helpful, and the key to helping me understand my work. Yes your T said she wants to torture you but if I were in your shoes, I'd ignore what my T said/did and treat it like a dream where we are all characters in our dreams. I'd realize that I have to live with myself (only) and know myself and I'd look to see how/why/when, etc. I torture myself (that the word would have such significant meaning to me).

I was abused as a child, was very lonely/had few friends, retreated (totally) from the world and others. Any social skills I learned were innate or learned by osmosis (like my cooking apparently; my stepmother was a wonderful cook and I have that knack too but had to have picked it up just by watching/eating :-) I consider myself to have had 30 years of therapy to get where I am now. If my T had used the word "torture" it would have gone right over my head, there would have been no reaction on my part. No so with your T and you. That's what I use to call in therapy a "red flag". I loved my red flags; I'd get home from therapy, not able to really remember the session but those red flags would glow in the dark of my mind, showing me the way :-) Tear the word to bits, Echoes, mine it for all it's worth. Make it mean something healthful to you.