I ate too much chocolate (wish it weren't so accessible, but that's another thread) when I got home. Therapy is so frustrating for me. The best session was the one where I first did the IFS; the others have not been anywhere near as satisfying.

I know I have to trust the process, and not rush it. But I thought all my sessions were going to be like the one I liked. On the other hand, today's session had its good points!

I felt relaxed; we didn't even do the breathing this time. Kt was dressed up and didn't look so thin so I didn't mention it. She looked good. We talked a little about my week, and hers (she was out-of-town) and I felt good. She asked about my grandson, who is getting better--still in the hospital though.

Most of the session was her getting more history for doing EMDR. I couldn't remember many of the details she asked me.

I was a little disappointed that she forgot some of what I told her in past sessions, except for what she wrote down. I had to repeat some of the icky stuff I told her during the session I wanted to forget! I guess it shows that it didn't have much negative effect on her.

We talked a little about my feeling like I'm not loved enough. She asked if I felt lovable? I said yes, I think. She said "I think you're lovable". I was so surprised she said that! I asked Bt that once and she said "You have your virtues" or something to that effect. A half-compliment, it felt like. Kt's comment made me feel so much better! It was so spontaneous!

I see her next Monday instead of Tuesday and when I said that's so soon, she said "that's good!"

At the end of the session, though, I said maybe I wanted to talk about love and not start the EMDR. She said I could do that, but she was going to ask her group--I forgot what she calls it, but she apparently gets supervision. I like that she gets help.

I asked her if she was sure I was going to get to discuss more about my main problem, about wanting more from Bt and she said we will. But I know she thinks the things that happened to me as a child are more important and will lead to understanding my attachment problems.

I forgot to say that we did discuss the email situation. I was surprised to hear that no one else emails her except for scheduling. She said it's okay, though. She wants to be able to respond to me, but says she is afraid she won't say the right thing to help me. She admitted that she was tired when she emailed back. So we agreed that if I want a response, I will tell her and she will reply. She doesn't think I will abuse the privilege.

My overall opinion is that she is highly motivated to help me, but I question her belief in EMDR. I will do it, but I'm not sure if what we are going to address is going to help me. She and I decided that a couple of the incidents are about my "powerlessness" in the situation, so that will be the negative feeling. I don't think they have to do with my attachment, but they are areas where I've always been stuck, so I hope it will help.

I'm not sure but maybe the "wanting Bt" will just disappear. It's disappointing but interesting not to have those feelings for Kt. We talked about how she's different, and how Bt thought it was for my benefit not to be as warm as she was with other clients. Kt says she disagrees with that. She almost seems like a friend, and I could do transference on the fact that she can't be, though. Or will it be good enough to have this nice, connected relationship with her? Time will tell.

I wanted the chocolate because therapy takes time. I want all the answers right now, and chocolate is a "right now" kind of thing. I wanted to be comforted. I'm not going to email Kt, at least not tonight. Posting here instead.