I have been thinking the last few weeks about some things that T has said recently and more than once.

I have mentioned how I still have trouble talking sometimes. How I censor, begin a thought and then can't go on even when I want to. Or I can talk about something right up until she says "Can you say more about that?" or "What's that like for you?".

The week before she walked me out as I was leaving, something she doesn't do often and that I really like. And I was excited becuase she had only done that a few times. But at the door, with my back to her she made a statement about what we had been talking about--a generous and wonderful gift of 2 beautiful, gently used hearing aids. This is a very enormous gift to me and very meaningful. I didn't have them yet, but I was looking forward to them and to what they would mean for me. At the door when she made her comment, all I could hear of it was "...to get out and be around those people." I spun around and said "I'll send them back if you do that!!". Probably my most genuine and uncensored moment in therapy. lol. That weekend it kept bugging me, the idea of her pushing me or worse, making it sound like a threat! So I called and left a message, asking her what she said because I didn't hear it all.

We talked about it in the following session. Turns out she said she was going to torture me ...to get out and be around those people. Torture me?!? Wow, I wonder if I hear but my brain censored that one. She spent time, after my call and before session, thinking about why she used that word and that it was a poor choice. THEN she said she thought the reason she chose that word 'torture' was because I torture myself so much. (the censoring, harsh self-judgements, avoiding, etc). OH!! So now it's MY fault she chose that word. grrrrrrrr

So the next session I tell her that I'm not happy she was putting it on me, as if it was my fault that she chose the word 'torture'. I do feel tortured by my struggles, but I really think that was a weak connection and a disinclination to own her own choice of words. still grrr

Now, what I've been thinking about (you thought I was done, didn't you ) is that she has asked, no--stated--a few or more times that I may be angry with her. That I might also be feeling 'we' haven't made a lot of progress and feel disappointed about that. And several comments about how long I have 'been coming' (3 years). She wonders if it bothers me that I don't know much about her (We have been over and over this. I don't ask and she doesn't tell. Works for me.) Last session she used the word 'treatment' for the first time in the session. .. .. So, I am thinking she is projecting. These are her thoughts, not mine. Or maybe this is counter-transference. I don't know. But now I wonder.. is she angry with me? is she disappointed in me? is she feeling we are getting nowhere? is she bothered because I am so closed off and she doesn't know much about me? have I worn out my welcome? and so on, there's no stopping me now in my negative thoughts.

I feel like I have no choice but to bring this up tomorrow. And it scares me.
I think it might be scaring me because I can't do this relationship from a distance, I can't pull away into my turtle shell. I have to be there. Unless, of course, she is sick of it all. yikes. what if I create the end?