Indulging in schadenfreude isn't the real you Belle though I can imagine in does ease the pain of the moments a touch. I imagine a lot of us say something like 'You'll get yours' when hurt by another. Acting it out like the ex wife and daughter in Tatyana's case is taking it to another level of cruelty. I am sorry that happened to you Tatyana.

It is toxic to wish badly for another but it is likely a pretty natural phase in the process of letting go and restoring one's own self esteem. It becomes a vicious circle though because like you have said before as soon as you see the suffering you wished for you want to jump in and relieve the sufferer of the pain.

I did cry alot those early months after my ex and I split up. I flip flopped again and again about what I thought I wanted. One day I wanted him back and was prepared to do most anything. Another day I didn't want to be with a man I couldn't depend on and I was glad we finally called it quits. I would read things into his words and actions only to be hurt again by my own imaginings.

I remember getting together with him to talk about spliting some assets. While arranging to meet he said something that got me thinking he was hinting at getting back together. Similar to Mark he said he missed the life we had. Missed me. But none of that meant he was going to turn back the clock. It was just a statement of fact. A thoughtless statement of fact given my vulnerabilities. Something he was adjusting to, nothing more. Seems men and women may process things differently then woman. Surprise surprise.

I guess I finally recognized that and eventually over time I have let go of most of my reunion fantasies. Just give them up. I can see my ex in his entirety now. I can look at our relationship with more clarity. The good and the bad. I can see the gains of living separate lives. I do remember thinking I hope he is lonely so of course when he reported feeling lonely I read it as a way back together. I didn't want him to be lonely or to be miserable as much as I wanted the loneliness, the misery to bring him back to me.

You say you want Mark to be miserable with Lisa so he knows your pain.... which he can never know but you so wish he could.... just because it isn't fair and he deserve to suffer and... and.... it can really get you going when you start rationalizing the desire to see him suffer. While the rage provides its own temporary relief and it may feel good in the moment, even empowering..... you know its just a deversion from feeling your own pain. Transfering the pain so that you aren't thinking about what you really want and that is for him to come crawling back to you.

He sets you up to think it might be possible and your emotions are all a muddle again. Yes he owns this part of your heart and your head. Forget the reasons why a relationship with Mark has not future. Forget he can't be trusted. Forget he is loaded with so many issues he may never be good husband and father material. Certainly not in the foreseeable future. Forget the facts and get lost in the past and in the illusions and get played by the intentional or unintentional manipulations that any contact with Mark exposes you to.

You were well on your way to imagining a new life forward without Mark in it. You were validating yourself and your dreams for the future. You were connecting with your vision of a man who will be faithful to you and a who will be a stable parent when the day comes. You were imagining yourself with such a man until a text came in from Mark. Suddenly the new vision is blurred.

Mark has done you a favour Belle with this latest turn of events. He has let the final shoe drop and now there is no doubt where he stands. On very shakey ground, lost and distructive. A relationship with him is a day to day affair. He had 5 years to show himself to be the man you want to have children with and to grow old with. You thought he was that man but he knows he isn't. He showed you again with this last round of miscommunications that he will never be that man. Life with him will be one drama, one heartbreak after another. For some time to come if not always he will be the most needy, the most demanding and most unstable in any relationship he is in.

The codependance of your relationship with Mark was destined to bring the love affair to an end eventually Belle. You couldn't carry him or cater to him forever. You couldn't do enough of anything to make him stay or at least stay faithful. He did you a favour to bring it to an end before you had children with him or lost any more time to making your dreams come true with him. He is not your dream making partner.

Cry out all the tears and then decide that there will be no more tears for Mark. There will be no more tears shed for a man who has no place in his heart or his life for you and your dreams. For a man who can't measure up to your needs. He may miss you in his bed. Miss you taking care of him. Miss you being there to listen to him. To make him laugh and to make him feel good about himself. Sure he misses you because the relationship was all about Mark.

In time you will see the gift. As you continue to grow and identify to the woman you are becoming you will see yourself better off for moving on. You would have been settling for so much less than you deserve Belle if you were still with Mark. You may not have met the new Belle you are getting to know now if Mark had not betrayed you. You may never have validated your own dreams had the rug not been pulled out from under you.

At one point I remember saying a quiet thank you to my ex. Thank you for giving me the chance to be me again. Too many dreams get stiffled in an attempt to preserve a dysfunctional relationship. Thank you for releasing me to be me again. We don't seem to get that when we are caught in the emotions of loss and change. We resist change to the point of denying ourselves.

Change is inevitable..... growth is optional.

You are growing in leaps and bounds Belle. Don't stop now. This is just another one of those bumps in the road you are travelling. The view from the top is what you are after. Keep climbing. We are here to help you up the hills Belle. This is just a hill on the path. You will see from a distance how the waves hit the shore and gently slide back into the ocean. Again and again they rise, fall and in their perfect time slide back into the whole again. Such is life. Sometimes it is distance that gives us the greatest clarity of the bigger picture.

Beyond the heartache that can be reignited by Mark's premeditated or thoughtless actions.... matters not which..... there is you Belle taking stock of your own dreams and moving towards them. That was where you were before Mark drop his little bomb. Your pride and your pity guide your inital responses to the tugs on your heart but your self love and persistance will determine you future steps from this day forward.