Firstly Thanks Byz... it made me smile to read and I sent the chinese one to a friend living in China at the moment LOL he will get a laugh out of it.

Tatyana I am sorry that they did that to you - that is a whole new level of hurt and pain that you endured.

John, it's hard to explain. The quality of their relationship did matter to me at the start.. I couldn't see a future between them. It's sort of pleasing to know that my judgement isn't totally impaired

Sanity, Sanity, Sanity... as always you write beautifully and have hit the nail on the head in most instances.
I was over the thought of getting back with him... I had gotten over the hope of anything like that and wasn't even really thinking friendship was what I wanted.
The fact at the moment is that I do love him... I didn't miss him until yesterday.. and then yeah I miss him - but I have realised it's only because he misses me.
None of this means, if I think about it rationally, that I want him back. It's a nice fantasy to have but when it comes to the crunch he has caused me so much pain that the would have a world world of improvments to make in himself and he would have to treat me like a princess. I am no ones housewife anymore, I enjoy my life, I want to go out and have fun, I want to socialize with my friends, I want to not worry about "what I'm goting to cook for dinner"....
There was an old me that doesn't exist anymore - and chances of that coming back are slim - I have realised that I am worth my weight in gold and deserve to be treated that way.

Sanity you are totally right.. being happy that anyone is in pain is not the real me.. it was just something to focus on to pass the time. I asked him yesterday if he loved me... and I got an "I don't know" so I told him that when he knew the answer to let me know, wether it be a yes or a no - a no will hurt but I need to hear it.

For the time being I am living MY life as I have been (F*** HIM)... what ever the future holds I am strong enough to cope with anything..
And yes i have a date on Saturday with a very nice, charming, financially secure man and I intend to enjoy myself!!!!

Thanks everyone so very much.. So sorry to put you all through this again and again -