I understand completely I think. In my situation, I'm an ex-marine, so it's very hard for me to make my own decisions. All I did was take orders. Do what I was told, when I was told, and do it as fast as possible. They pretty much eliminated my ability to think for myself. I have to wait for someone else to tell me what to do. So when I get depressed, I don't know what to do that is right or wrong. Now, I'm not suggesting you pick up smoking cigarettes, but that is how I deal with it. It calms me down. I'm skinny as is, but because I smoke cigarettes, I eat about once or twice every 2-3 days. I don't know if I helped you any, but you can do it in your own way. Everyone here has the same darkness inside themselves. And everyone copes with it differently. If you can put your mind to it, you can find the answer that will help you. We are not here to make fun of your problems. We are here to help you, give you suggestions on ways so you can better improve upon yourself. And we are also here because of ourselves. We too seek salvation.