Quote:
Originally Posted by deliquesce
rio, i read somewhere that the 3 month mark is when people start thinking 'do i have the potential for a long term relationship with this person'. not necessarily "i want to be with this person forever", but by 3 months you can know that there's something interesting enough to keep you two together a bit more, and the relationship becomes a bit deeper and more intimate.
i would actually tell. i understand trich can be a difficult subject to bring up, but maybe you can talk about your feelings around it first? e.g., sometimes i get very stressed/angry/sad (whatever it is for you?) and i do some stuff that i'm (insert your feelings - ashamed? scared?) to tell you about. and see how he goes from there?
i think you might also need to be prepared to educate him, and feel ok enough if he has a bad response (e.g., just stop!!). it's not because he wants to control you, probably that he doesn't understand enough about trich just yet to fully appreciate your problem.
you mentioned you see a T - have you spoken about this with them? your T might have some ideas on how to bring this up, or discuss any problems you migth foresee?
i think the fact that your boyfriend has told you intimate stuff about him means he also sees your relationship as deepening and strengthening. the article i mentioned earlier said something about how even if your boyfriend decided it was too much to deal with, that the 3 month (or 6 month!) mark is still ok enough to take a step back and just be really great friends, whereas if you leave it until you've been together a year they might feel really upset/confused about why you didnt trust them earlier, or some people even think you deceived them.
my gut instinct is to tell you to go for it, especially since you were thinking about it yourself, and you've known this guy for 1.5yrs already. it's not like he's some random you know nothing about, you already have a history together. just be prepared to give him a bit of time to digest it all, and maybe even tell him a website or two he could visit to learn more and process it himself?
let us know what you decide, and good luck whatever you choose!!
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Thanks, deliquesce.
That sounds about right - also, this relationship means a lot to both of us because it's the first proper one that either of us has been in. It's felt like a long-term thing for a while now, we're even planning a couple of short trips away this summer.
It was difficult to bring up, and there's no way I could have done it in person, but he took it really well! I think he might have been Googling it while he was talking to me, actually.
If it comes up again I might point him to a website, but I don't really want to make a bigger deal out of it than I already have...
I haven't spoken about it with my therapist, possibly should have but it felt like I could barely get a word in edgeways in my last session.
I saw a counsellor last semester and I did mention to her that he was the only person I could see myself telling everything to (and this was before we were even going out!), but it was never fully discussed.
That's very true - it means a lot to me that he could trust me with something that's obviously been worrying him and is likely to lead to fairly significant changes in his life over the next few weeks and months. I agree that it would only have got harder to tell him the longer I left it, certainly wouldn't want him to think that I don't trust him or anything.
Thanks again.
I haven't spoken to him yet today - won't be able to actually see him until after my exam on Thursday - but I'm hoping he's still ok about it, should find out tonight if I catch him online again.