Thanks you guys... I think the root cause is probably mostly anxiety but depression plays a part too. Doesn't change the fact that I am hurting myself though (even through something as simply as stubbornly caring for other people at my own expense! I know it's hurting me, it's bad for me, but I do it anyway. Ugh).

I am so exhausted and so far down right now that I really, REALLY want to do something bad. I don't know what, just.... some kind of physical release. Pounding away on a treadmill for a few hours is out of the question because I'm too exhausted and it'll trigger a panic attack (is that crappy or what???) and what I want to do.... really badly.... uuuuggggh. I can't. I won't. I won't I won't I won't. But I really really want to. I haven't self injured in the traditional sense in a year or two, and breaking that now would be AWFUL... but it's hard to remind myself of why at the moment when doing it would make me feel better.

It's only short-term. That's what I have to remember. It might help short-term but in the long run it'll make things worse and horrible and no. And my girlfriend would cry and I CAN'T do that to her. No. NO NO NO.

I won't. I WON'T. I won't.