51 years, (ok, almost 52, but who's counting...lol)..

It hits me....I'm fundamentally inapt.
Wtf is really going on with me?
I feel like a scared little girl. Frustrated...confused as all hell for not managing the maintenance of my priorities.
I go through the motions of having the ability to keep on track.
I know of morals and values and have my own I strongly live by.
I have priorities I'm well aware of, but my struggle is...maintaining my focus of their categories...the hierarchy of importance.

This leaves me feeling so very fundamentally challenged. Why don't I know how? How can I even conduct myself as a capable adult, yet slam face first on this one dead end....every...single...time?

It's like a cycle with me....focused and working for what matters most....but then...somehow, at some point..it fizzles out (without my realizing it), to the point that it's gone completely unattended, replaced with something of such lesser significance, (until it's brought back to my attention by another, of course).

The more often this happens...or, I should say, the more often it's brought to my attention that I'm doing this, (losing sight of my priorities), the more dumb I feel and the more I can't help but to question what is REALLY wrong with me.

I'm almost a damn senior, for heavens sake..yet, if I close my eyes, I can envision this scared little girl, curled up in the corner....hiding from those laughing at her for her inabilities.

I don't understand why I can't understand why I can't remain focused on what's most important to me. I KNOW what that is. I KNOW who it is. I CAN place it all in it's proper place...but then....I struggle (and inevitably fail) to keep them there.
Time after time, after time, after time.
And I'm losing my most prized priority in this mass of inaptness of mine.

I just don't get the understanding. And from the way my conduct repeats itself, it looks as though I never will get my priority, either.
Sigh.

Shangrala