hi, Lost,

you sound like an intelligent person. so, you know that drinking is only going to make things worse. going to a 12-step AA meeting would give you some help with this self-destructive behavior. there are also 12-step meetings that help with sexual issues. you will meet a lot of nice people and learn that you are not alone. having a sponsor would a lot too.

when you were abused you fought back. all of life is a struggle even if that had never happened. sadly, it did and you have not found the support of family and the justice system that you really hoped to find. but, you can start a new family of friends from 12-step programs. people who would understand you and help you and be there for you even though they are not blood relatives. maybe they are better - they are soul friends. (injured soul friends might even be a better description.)

i know that you planned on having the family first and then getting a minivan but, BUT, instead of buying booze, why don't you save your bucks and buy the minivan first. you will have met a life's goal and, AND you never know where it will take you.