i have dealt with si issues for many years myself, too. i have spent a lot of time thinking about it, and really it's just so complicated. i used to be able to justify hurting myself a lot because of the help it provided me. there is a very fine line between pleasure and pain sometimes and/or for some people.

i think it's really sad that many children have a difficult or unsafe childhood, especially in early infancy. that is so important for their growth, and yes the things learned that early on stay with you almost forever. it's sooooo hard to unlearn those things. my partner struggles with that every day. and she has learned from that early time in her life that being hurt was to make her a better person (that's what her dad said). since that was something that she was taught as a fundamental part of her growing up, she will often jump to that line of thinking more easily than any other. it's sad. i know it's not right, and i support her in unlearning that, but it's difficult. abuse in early childhood doesn't teach the kids how to deal with their emotions or communicate or understand how the world works, it just confuses and hurts them. it hurts them for life.

i feel bad for your "friend" because he obviously has issues to work on. i have known many people who struggle with their sexual identity and in the process, they are very anti-gay. it's such a struggle that people do deny it, any way they can just to "prove" to themselves or anyone around them that they are NOT gay. well, i hope that more people will learn to accept everyone as they are. love is not wrong.

you really shouldn't listen to him. i think you handled the detergent situation really well! good job. there are so many ways to teach people, it's much better to be real and communicate rather than hurt the child - that wouldn't teach him anything but violence as an answer or tool. communication is much more effective, and it will help teach him how to learn well. i'm so glad you care about your son the way you do. he is so special. =) i hope you can continue to show him that the world is interesting and complicated, but that he does have a place in it, and he does deserve respect and love no matter what. life happens, and he also needs to learn how to deal with the hard things too, including emotions like anger and sadness. you've definitely experienced life a lot more than he has, so help him learn from the lessons you've been taught and the experiences that have helped you grow.

take care!