Quote:
Originally Posted by bloom3
((((((((shangrala))))))))
maybe whatever the priority is that you so want to focus on is a struggle because it's not something that comes naturally or easily. that sounds obvious but let me explain. i'm sure there are many things that are important to you that you have no problem focusing on and following through with. you probably had some healthy modeling and support in those areas though. this priority, the one you struggle with, you probably didn't have healthy modeling or support for thruout your life. so, it is something that is a constant battle for you. it sounds like you are pretty hard on yourself, but there is a reason why we feel like a scared little child at times. there were things that happened in life that scared her. she hasn't recovered yet. have you ever thought of doing something like adult children of alcoholics? i went for a number of years and i'm not from an alcoholic family. it really helped me to understand that my problems weren't just about me but a whole family system. i have a tendency to blame myself for everything and it really helped me to realize it's not all my fault. it's not all your fault shangrala.  |
WOW.
Boy, did most of this hit home..(made me cry)..how accurate most of what you've said is.
Yeah..I'm very hard on myself...alot..and I usually do take the blame for the wrong that happens, even when it's not mine to claim, (I somehow find a way to weave my sense of...responsibility into it, thus seemingly ensuring a sense of failing....when it's not even mine....gawd...how...ugh).
Thing I find myself doing tho, is...when a given situation is upon me where it doesn't turn out favorably, I initially deny it as "mine", in fact fight the fact, but later I do seem to allow it to seep into me....resulting in it somehow belonging to me. I'm not even aware that I do this until after the fact.
You mention "healthy modeling & support". Hmm. I didn't have the best of guidance regarding consistency, maybe. Although my parents did the best they could, (and I understand all that), maybe they were just spread too thin between all us kids (10 of us), and individual needs weren't exactly met.
Mom was the disciplinarian. Her methods were stern, but...not really consistent to our individual needs. They were more along the line of community rules, applied to us all in a general manner. When one of us were in need of "extra" attention or specific guidance, we were told "not to...because they said so", and that was that.
I refrain from casting "blame" on my upbringing, (after all, I'm an adult and I should be able to get over "it"), but I have to admit, that I can't help but to wonder if my inaptness is a cause of that.
The reason I say that I find myself wondering, is because even though my parents attended to all of us kids as a single unit, (same rules applied to all), for some reason, mom picked me out of the bunch and used me and my failings as an example to the rest. Meaning, she picked me apart ....alot...and offered my shortcomings to my siblings as what NOT to do. This made me feel horribly stupid and extremely.....not quite right. I felt singled out as the black sheep of the family...which didn't really end all that favorably, (I ended up leaving home at 15...just couldn't take it anymore, really).
I learned the basics of morals and values from my upbringing. I've developed my own sense of values and principles, as well, through my shortcomings and (thousands) of mistakes made. the "simple" things (routines), I have no problem with maintaining...it's the long-term that I fall short of ever obtaining, or, so it seems, anyway.
This one priority I speak of. It is of great importance to me. In fact, it's become the only thing that I find myself having invested my heart into...(I've never felt such...a longing for anything as much as I want this). Despite that, though, I STILL find myself eventually distracted from it..until it's brought back to my attention.
Its as though....I'm this lil child..seeing what I desire most in front of me, yet....easily distracted by something else of such little importance, immediately diverting me from my initial direction...(though eventually realizing that I had allowed myself to stray, again), and then desperately seeking my way back to my original goal.
Sigh...I think that's what it is, anyway.
All I want is this one thing....which, for most wouldn't be such a huge deal to obtain, (I don't think), yet...
Adult children of alcoholics? It was never a consideration as I never knew there was a possible outlet for me to that. I have, however, considered seeking some kind of counselling...though not certain what to look for.
(I agree, Byz....Time to seek some kind of help).
Thanks for replies...
Shangrala
