(put a trigger icon just incase)

I've been thinking on forgiveness, why it's such a huge topic in the healing process and I keep thinking to myself "how can I ever forgive him, what he did was unforgiveable, one of the worst acts on the face of the earth"

And then it hit me

I don't have to forgive him, I don't have to forgive what he did to me, but I can forgive myself,

I can forgive myself for blaming myself, it wasn't my fault, it never was, I was a child, I was a vitcim, and now I"m a survior, there was no fault of mine, I was taken advantage of, I was betrayed, I was hurt by someone that was suppose to care for me, protect me, be my family, no fault was on me, I can forgive myself for blaming myself all these years

I can forgive myself for believing his lies, when you are 4, 5, 6 years old you always believe your elders, but as you get older you can realize what they said isn't always true, and in this case abuser's words NEVER had any truth to them. I am NOT dirty, I am NOT a *****, I am NOT unloveable, and NEVER did I ask for him to do what he did to me.

I can forgive myself for keeping silence, for not remembering details, for denying my experince, it is what I had to do until I reached a point in my life where I could safely deal with these things, I had to survive, and I did what I had to, to survive. I can forgive myself for being angry with myself for not remember vivid details, one's memory fades with time, and remembering what I do remember is horror enough, why bring forth more? I kept silence because I didn't know I had a voice, I kept silence because I thought that was the right thing today, I can forgive myself for being angry with me that I didn't have knowledge of my voice, because I know now that I do.

I can forgive myself, for hating myself for all these years, because I"m learning to love myself, to accept what happend, to stop denying the abuse

I don't have to ever forgive him, he has no worth to be forgiven, I don't have to fogive what he did, what he did to me was unforgivable, he is not worth my sympathy, my compassion, he is not worth my thoughts, he is not deserving of the word "uncle" because he never was and never will be family of mine

But I can forgive me, I can forgive my self hate and fear,

And I can heal, and that is what I plan on doing...