What is your earliest memory?
And can you think of a time, as a child, you were very angry?
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do you think kids can sense that things are messed up but not consciously realize it?
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This is the first sign of a dysfunctional family. Maybe you want to read this:
http://www.mudrashram.com/dysfunctio...ly2.html#types
http://victimsofpsychopaths.wordpres...matic-bonding/
Yes, I think kids can sense everything around them. It gets confusing when they sense but no one is talking about it. It makes them think that they are at fault, it makes them doubt their own reality and perception and they will be more prone to be in an abusive relationship in adult life.
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my childhood seemed "normal." the only "messed up" thing i remember is me.
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This is just what I was talking about above.
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my mom took me to a T for the 1st time when i was THREE b/c of chronic, unexplained stomachaches.
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I have come across quite a few borderline and also bi polar who describe exactly the same. My ex used to have these and was injected with something as a kid to stop the pain and the throwing up. I think that it is a way of the body to tell you that something is wrong. That you are stressed, and your needs are not met. Its so sad that parents give medication instead of emotional support.
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i was HORRIBLE to my brother. i abused him verbally and hit him. i still feel guilty about it.
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You were angry. Can you think why?
Guilt usually is a sign that things are going wrong. That something needs to change. What needed to change? what did you gain out of the guilt?
It is, again, a recurring thing for borderline - a deep sense of shame and guilt.
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i was ALWAYS unstable. the 1st time i SI was when i was 12. i was doing my homework & then was gauging my wrist up for no known reason. how does this happen?
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SI usually is an indicator of strong pain. Needs are not being met. Mostly emotional needs but can be also physical and mental as they are connected. SI is a way (poor way) to cope. When a child has not learnt other ways to cope and feels great distress he/she is more prone to SI.
From everything you describe I think your parents did not provide you with the caring, loving, nurturing environment where you felt safe and well looked after. I am sorry. As you examine these things more and more - you will gain more clarity and maybe even that normal childhood that you mentioned will gain a different shape. Stay positive and make sure you are safe now. Leaning boundaries and connecting with emotions while changing some thinking is very important but a hard process. Good luck