LoneScout, so pleased you are reaching out for help both here and in 'the real world'. I'm glad to hear you are setting yourself the aim of being honest in therapy.
I'm also glad Susan was able to post from the perspective of someone who lost their father, as a child, to suicide and that it's touched you. I know you don't want your children to be in that same situation.
You can get better, I think the first step is recognising and accepting there is a problem, which you have done. You wouldn't be posting here if you didn't want to be well. A desire to be well can be a very strong thing.
Keep letting us know how you're doing - we all care and want you to be better!