My mother was meant to come today to give me some money to go out this weekend, and sent her a message telling her I was actually awake (you know, awake in the DAY time) and could we go look at violas because she'd told me she was going to buy me one.

I finally got a message back from her telling me that she won't be coming today because, dun dun dun, she is going on a date. And she sounded in an extremely happy mood and told me she loved me So there is 3 triggers right there, I can handle even the remotest intimacy so her saying that = vomit, she's seeing some guy instead of seeing me like she said she would, and she is SEEING A GUY.

The first major relationship I remember her being in was with a guy who was an alcoholic, did weed and always made promises to me that he'd break and it would shatter me (I was only about 9 or 10), and her last major relationship she was in, well, we don't need to go there again do we...

I told her I dislike this and she said there's no need to be jealous because nobody will get between us again. Whatever.
I have always been jealous, it was always the two of us. And she has never been shy of her sexuality, sometimes I just feel like she's a slut. Although I know she isn't, I just don't want to know. But she's had sex with a guy in my bedroom when I was a kid, when I was 3 I sat on the stairs and watched her have sex with a guy she brought home and she was too drunk to care, when she was in the relationship with the first guy I mentioned they would leave to door open sometimes when they were having sex and my bed was directly across from theirs so I could see the whole thing, I even walked in on them having sex on the lounge room floor. And when I was 16 I used to read her diary sometimes to find out things (not because I am a snoop, but because her boyfriend who I talked about in the abuse forum was still around and I was trying to find out if/when she had been seeing him so I could be prepared, and also because of her drinking. I hate myself for it because she taught me better than that but I was scared), she had mentioned that she realised she could go to the guy across the street and give him a blow job for alcohol money. Whether or not that actually happened I don't know but whenever I bump into him at the shops he always asks about her.

So anyway, I guess you can kind of understand why I'm not liking this.
I don't want to know about it, I don't like hearing her all nice and happy, I don't know if she is just stoked she's going on a date or she's just sounding that way to me because she knows I don't like the situation. I know if I ever met this guy I'd just sit there and resent him.

I'm stressing out about this and I feel disgusting. She wants to see me tomorrow but I don't want to see her. I dislike this situation immensely.