i cried with pdoc today. first time, and i've been seeing him for 5 years. he kept saying "but you've never cried before, you've never cried here before, this is the first time i'm seeing you crying". it wasn't bad, he was just a bit - woah - hard to comprehend that deli is crying after 5 years of not.
it wasn't even a big, deep and meaningful session or anything. i was just exhausted and feeling overwhelmed and i started crying a little bit. not huge sobs (ive done that with austin-t, and i don't like it - it means i've been pushed somewhere that's too hard for me to go to) but just gentle crying. and it was ok because it just got out how not ok i'm feeling right now.
pdoc told me he thought it was good that i could cry because it meant i was in tune with how i was feeling. it wasnt a big deal or anything to me, it just happened (whereas if it had happened earlier it might have been a big deal, but now i just feel comfortable with pdoc and it was ok that i cried). i cried on the phone with him maybe 2 weeks ago and he thought it was awesome, but that phone call was huge so it made sense there was a lot of emotion involved.
it is kind of funny - ive always thought that should i ever cry with pdoc it'd be this huge momentous occassion, but i was just tired today and i was crying and it was all terribly mundane. i think what i like is that i dont feel odd about it (apart from poor pdoc having to process it, that was kind of funny), whereas when i've sobbed in front of austin-t i've felt very raw afterwards and exposed. this was just gentle and it was ok that pdoc was there.