There are ways to remember. I don't know where I heard this, where I saw it, maybe it was on this forum, I don't know....But someone said when you intergrate the parts that dissociated, the memories will come together.... There is a part of us that was there during the abuse that holds the memory. We may have went somewhere else in our minds, went outside our bodies and watched, blanked our minds, or switched into alter, or something of this nature. So our own conscience minds don't remember it. You can remember it with time, when you're triggered, after you have a flashback or a nightmare, or you can uncover the memories by journaling, doing trauma workbooks, or therapy. I have been reading books and doing workbooks. I do them very slowly. Then I wrote about what I remember on here. Then I had a terrible flashback and an alter showed himself. Then I remembered something that seemed to be a traumatic experience, but I didn't remember much, so I wrote what I remembered on here. The same alter came out, very angry (I'm not diagnosed DID, this was VERY unusual to me, never was aware of an alter before). He told me to stop, cursing me out.... The thing is, I'm not ready to remember and my mind knows this. I don't have the emotional stability at the moment to remember it. You will in time, so don't try to push yourself to it.

My brother-in-law who is 25 still sucks his thumb. It's not ridiculous, it's a way to cope. I assume it's soothing.

All the feelings you explained are very common in abuse victims.

Yes, I don't know about older brothers, but I know about older sisters. My sister was very physically abusive to me at times and I feel the same way. I don't hate her. I forgive her. I'm sure your abusers are haunted but what they did, unless they're sociopathic. It's okay to feel broken, your soul was broken by the abuse. But you can put it back together.

Sorry for hi-jacking the thread. I hope this helps jammin too.