My Stepmother died on Sun, after a few months of liver cancer. I could tell she was going down hill pretty quickly from talking to her on the phone. I have very mixed feelings about this. 1. is relief as an unpleasant chapter in my life is finally over. We had a very strained relationship, when I was a teen she made it very clear that I wasn't part of the family, and she didn't want me in her home. Yet at the same time I did feel grief, she was very supportive of me, back in 07 when I was a mess, and she really helped me make it through the year and come through the other side. In short she was a nice woman with very rigid notions of what family meant. She was also part of my life for over 25 years, far longer than my natural mother was, and I've been speaking to her by phone almost weekly for 20 years.

So the million dollar question - do I go to the funeral? At first I thought yes, booked a hotel, and told my boss I needed bereavement leave. Then I started talking about it in my addictions group, with my addictions dr. and with my T, and a friend. They were all really worried about me going as they thought it might trigger feelings of abandonment and not being part of the family, depending on how I was treated by her natural children (They've always treated me as something of an outsider). Even my plan for what to do after the funeral was risky - I said I'd wander around the byward market looking in shops - sure just like I did when I was 15 and wasn't allowed to be in the house. What really clenched it for me though I was driving home and running through the list of things I had to pack and get ready, and realized I was mentally packing a cutting kit, so that I could safely SI in the hotel. That's something I haven't done in over two years. So I changed my mind and am now not going to the funeral, I feel it's too risky to my mental health / sobriety.

Telling my boss I didn't need the time off was hard to, he looked at me really funny and said ok it was none of his business but wouldn't ask. My natural brother thinks it's good I'm not going.

Now all I have to do is get up the nerve to call my step sister to offer condolences.

Part of me feels like I should go to the funeral, because that's what society says. But I know I just can't handle it.

Thanks for reading.

--splitimage