i was told by the one T that ever attempted to get me to talk about this that it was and i would no longer speak of it.she had no idea whare my head was at.as a child i felt special as an adult im not so sure about it.is it SA if you didnt mind for the most part.as a teen i felt strange about it but only because i didnt want guys to know i wasnt a vergin and call me a slut.as an adult i know it wasnt ok but only because i have been told it wasnt etc...maby some day ill talk about it in RL to my Tbut this is what happened
sorry may be long postits ok if you dont want to read.

when i was younger my mother had her best friends son babysit my brother and i quite a bit.he use to play sex games with us after she left the house.at the time i had no idea what sex wasor even that it was a bad thing for me.this guy would just turn it into a fun game for my brother and i.first we would take off our cloths and i he would hide then etc..and then he would make us do thing to each other.i thought it was fun it was a game no big deal.it wasnt hurting either one of us.we had a lot of differnt games he would play.yes they involved sexual things but again i didnt even know what sex waas and it all didnt seem bad.it was fun games.aftre a while things did get a little sticky.he use to start letting me stay up later then my brother if i was willing to do differnt things.like oral sex.i had never seen a adult penis before.but even that he was ok about.god i remember him teaching me how to di it and even negotiating what i was willing to do.untill one time he pushed my head down to far and i puked never did it again.the first time we had sex wasnt all that tramatic either.again it was a game kind of like playing house and it was bed time at that point i wanted to be a big girl i thought it was cool and i was special.he tought me how older people play.i dont think he ever even called it sex or anything we were just playing around.he wasnt a monster about it he explained if i wanted to do this it would hurt some but it would stop.he gave me a choice.i decided to go for it.he didnt hurt me any more then my mother had ever done in fact he was nice about it if you can believe that so for me it was ok .i had already known how to just dissapear into my head and i wanted to do it .he did lie about the fact that it would stop hurting because it didnt and it sure wasnt all it was cracked up to be.we did it one more time but it still hurt and i just didnt like it.i told my brother and so we use to come up with reasons i couldnt do that anymore and we just went back to playing the fun games.he never made me do any of that stuff again.eventually my mother stopped having him sit for us.i found out later it was because she found an autio tape of my brother and i saying sexual things to eachother that he forgot to bring home with him.
now do you see what i mean by no one knows what i was thinking and i didnt know it was bad or not ok untill someone told me it was and then it became a problem.i was a slut and a ***** etc...