Googley, she didn't tell me if she'd be checking her voicemail but she uses a work cell as her office phone so I bet she's checking it where she is. I don't want to bother her because she is in Ohio taking care of her father who has Alzheimer's and they are trying to sort some things out up there. It's not her fault things were paced this way.. it was sort of my decision to at least talk about it some on Friday, although I'm not sure she realized how huge this disclosure was as I have been to many therapists and she is the first I was able to tell this to.

As far as coping, I looked through some things on the SI board and have been trying to come up with my own. Like I love to cook, so last night I spent some time cooking something different. Tonight chocolate ice cream is my coping mechanism.. also watching shows on Netflix Instant (Arrested Development!!). Also, the night I am supposed to see T, I am sleeping over at a friend's house and we are going to make music. I am finally making a good friend - she is from work. The next morning I am going to the Autism Speaks walk in our area. So.. I am keeping busy.

It just sucks because through all the busy-ness I keep thinking about this and it just makes me want to cry but I don't want to cry and have everyone wanting to know what's wrong and all that. I don't want to call anyone to tell them I am having a hard time, it will just make me feel worse to burden someone in that way.. at least the people here chose to read this.. you know?

Sannah.. yes, guilt, guilt.. and shame, self-disgust and loathing...

I'm just so MAD about middle school and EVERYTHING that went wrong then!

Not only this, finding out this.. but also being SA by my grandfather (milder than this but still), adjusting to public school after being homeschooled all through elementary school, getting teased daily, no friends, parents fighting/domestic violence, brother getting in trouble for drugs, being unable to stand up for myself even to my little sisters, who scratched and hit me and even held knives to me.. being older doesn't mean you are spared.. My all A grades turned to F's in middle school, when I threatened suicide in 8th grade.. the guidance counselor called the police who had me handcuffed in the front office..

Just everything in middle school was horrendous and I basically haven't been the same since.