Hi everyone,

I hope that you are doing ok. For me well, I don't know how i am anymore. Yeah am depressed again, and the pdoc says right now there really isn't anything he can do. But maybe a little background first. Am sure there are some of you if you read this that already know am struggling with sleep big time. It's going on my 7th week with as little as 30min to as much as 3 hours of sleep a day/night, whenever I can sleep. I have no idea why this started. The first 4 weeks I wasn't so bad with it. I came to accept that I have a major sleeping issue, but as the days go on and on and still can't sleep it's getting to me.

I take a sleeping pill, ambien, but nothing really. I can fall asleep fine, but once am awake am awake for about a day or a little less.

I threw out my back last Friday and have been to the doc. a few times, I see the chiropractor and now I started PT yesterday. Am in almost constant pain unless I take the pain pills I was given. And I don't really like to even take them, I mean i do because they help me sleep, but am afraid that am going to run out and then what...so will just be in excrusiating pain and then maybe take one.

Anyways, my head is telling me It's just all in my head and nothing is really wrong. That i could sleep if I really wanted to. It's also telling me that all am doing is complaining and that this is SO NOT a BIG deal, just suck it up and go on. Ok so am doing that. I am trying to just suck it up and be like yeah am ok especially with my dad and step-mom, whom I live with. My step-mom has been making comments that have been upsetting, but I guess i deserve them or something. She tells me that I don't need a sleep study because I sleep all the time. Well, I guess the answer to that is how would she know when she is either in bed or sleeping for 15 hours a day. Then the other day she said that the place needed vacuming, knowing how much pain I was in she said that I need to do it. So I got it out and did it to her standards.

Anyways, I can't take it anymore. I am ready to just give up. My head tells me it's not that big of deal and then some of the people close to me says it is a very big deal. they say I have changed especially in the last week or so. My dad and step-mom aren't supportive at all or hardly when it comes to what is going on now, so I just keep everything in, but then again I have always done that to a cetain point.

The tears are so close to the surface, but I am not allowed to cry. For me it is a sign of weakness, which right now i am a weakling. I can't even handle the back pain and the little less sleep that am getting. My T tells me that this is all a very big deal and that I am not doing as well as I was a couple weeks ago. I was handling things much better. Now I just don't care anymore...does that make sense?

My head keeps telling me there are so many people out there that are so much worse off than I am and that I should be grateful for what I do have. So what am I to do or think? I know that things can get crazy in the brain and stuff when you are sleep deprived, which the sleep specialist was really surprised i could even function, and people are surprised that I can even talk like I do. So that tells me that maybe it is all in my head and it's not that big of deal.

Ok am sorry, I have written a chapter and I so didn't mean to. I don't expect anyone to respond just thought i needed to get this out there. I will stop now.

Take care everyone, and if you read this, thanks. Hugs to all.

Love,
Jen