Spotted- Ive been thinking and thinking about your post to me today. I was trying to imagine myself saying that to ftt. I think I could. That I want to talk about spirituality and the different things I have tried and been through but I am afraid of sounding silly or that this part of me will be dismissed as not important. Or not important to therapy.
I would imagine that would be very difficult and stifling to grow up with rigid religious beliefs. And that it is a relief to explore the possibilities. I grew up without any spirituality at all. Religion was something to ridicule. Even the thought of God was something to ridicule. I think my parents preferred to worship themselves and people who didnt worship superficial things were silly. Yuck.
This seems like a really important topic for me in therapy. Like the financial stuff, its a room that needs some cleaning up. I feel kind of "tangled" with feelings and beliefs and my families attitudes and my attitudes. I think you are right, Spotted, I can tell her that this does bring up some fear. I didnt think so, but now I do think so. There is more below the surface.
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I'm guessing this place has a spiritual connection for you, and that part of the joy of the place is feeling that side of you more strongly. Grieving makes perfect sense, but I'm not sure you are grieving the physical loss of the place (you can visualize it). Perhaps the grief is about the spiritual connection.
I used to really dislike grieving - it felt like a sign that I was doing worse. But, then I realized that it is the final step in healing. You've done the hard work of denial and anger and fear about X topic, and all of a sudden you have a new perspective...and you realize it is sad you lived your life without X in it. Acknowledging that loss opens up space for healing, and that is a very good thing.
(I don't mean to push you in any way, just to give you some of my own thoughts on grieving so that when you are ready it doesn't have to be such a scary idea.)
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I am thinking about this. A lot. I was able to feel this side of me there. Maybe part of the appeal for me was that it was so far away and I had to actually get that physically far away to allow myself to be myself. I mean, if the place had been aroiund the block I would have gone there, but the difference between a place like that and NYCity was probably more than just spiritual.
I think you are right. I am grieving for those things I didnt have or wasnt able to give myself and I feel a loss. Since the time I have been there I go through periods where I think about it more. I dont know what thats about. And right now Im thinking about it. Maybe because I am in a more spiritual place the last couple of months. And when I got that email it opened it up again. I usually read the emails but dont click on the lninks. For some reason, I clicked on the link and felt so sad. I miss it there so much. I fantasize about taking my kids there. It will never happen. Its not where we are at and its far and expensive.
But I am thinking now about the idea of grieving for other things I couldnt give myself or before. I feels sometimes like a lost life. Its not that I am not living now and giving all that I can to my marriage (well, maybe) and my kids, but I DO wonder what things might have been like had I not had to go through such a messy life. I regret so many financial things that I did not have to do. Though ftt pointed out that I did what I knew. I just so wish I had been taught how to take care of myself and my finances. No one ever taught me anything or even brought that subject up. I think its the first time I ever really felt so sad about that. Sad in a way that doesnt blame me. Just sad that it was that way.
I do want to believe that I deserve nurturing. When I was reading this it made me teary. I would love to take little Blue on a tour of this place. I never, ever thought of that. I think I would just break down in tears taking her there.
Thank you, Spotted.