I just wanted to say Thank You to all who responded.
Yes, maybe someday I could move back. If I could just visit, even. It's been 7 years.
Working on having a better life here too.
Mostly, though, my struggles are internal. Those internal storms that amaze me in the fact that they aren't visible. They are so intense.
But they begin... and they end.

I do distract when I can, but sometimes I can't. I am too distraught.
Work does help as a distraction and I am beginning to feel that it is a safe place, a place where I do have some safe and validating relationships. On the flip side, work can be a trigger when it seems like I have more to do than time to do it. I often just want to give the job back; managing is not for me.

One trigger was signing a lease, comitting to staying here, in this place and in this apartment, for another 13 months. So I am serving my sentence until June 1st of next year. I don't like not having the freedom to move if I feel like it. Trapped.
But.. I can start planning for next year. Find where I do want to live.

Recent medical bills to take care of are making me feel discouraged. But that too has begun and will end (when they are paid off).

I am a pessimist. In therapy last night, my therapist was telling me about a local private college that might have some classes, and has an annual book/meet the author event. She was excited We had also been talking about getting hopes up and having them, or afraid they will be, dashed. We also had touched on beating yourself up and what that serves. So after talking excitedly about this college, she started reeling in the enthusiasm, trying not to make what she was talking about sound more than what it is.
When I noticed, I told her "You don't have to put any negative spin on it. I'll do that later. " We had a good long laugh. It feels so good to laugh with her.