Hi Liquid, I'm so sorry you're feeling this bad. I know the first instinct is to run away from it by drinking, drugging or cutting but have you ever tried just breathing in deeply, slowly and calmly? It's amazing how filling up your lungs with air can make you feel.
Hold the air in your lungs for a count of ten and let it out slowly. Keep repeating this until your chest doesn't feel so heavy anymore.
I wish you could find inner peace. I wish I could hug you. Can you ask your friend for a hug instead of pushing them away?
Memories are like a double edged sword, on the one hand they can really hurt in reliving them but then on the other hand you have valuble lessons learned and with that compassion and strength.
You're a survivor, Liquid, don't you forget that.
I hope you feel better soon. (((((((Liquid)))))))))