Thank u all, I went to the dbsa grp and had the wrong night and onther person showed up and we had a small meeting for 2 1/2 hours. She just was released from trying s by j in front of a train and surived but is missing a thumb. She shared her emotional and physical scars and helped me really think things through and that I also need to stop listing to dark music and videos... I will not attempt but will instead go to the hospital first. Thank y all 4 ur support.